43. They may not trust anyone and think people are out to get them.
Whether you should be concerned about this sign is a matter of how strongly and how often you see the sign. Also consider how you might feel were you the child. Maybe people are not to be trusted and maybe they are out to get him. Maybe he is right.
It is not unusual for a child to feel used sometimes and to be somewhat leary of people. It becomes a problem when he starts changing what he does or does not do, where he will and will not go. It is a problem when it interferes with his normal, day-to-day activities. The problem gets worse when he thinks people are trying to hurt him. This is more true if he is not sure who they are or if they are not people who would hurt him. For example, he might come to believe most teachers or maybe even you are trying to control his mind or find a chance to kill him.
Here is what to watch for. Are his fears far beyond anything real, beyond reason, or quite weird? Always remember he has had a difficult life. He has had people hurt him. He has been lied to and has been let down by those who he trusted the most. If you have taken these things into consideration and the sign still concerns you, the child has a very serious problem. He needs professional help.
44. They may have very strange thoughts and feelings they cannot understand or control.
A child may need help understanding her thoughts and feelings. She may need extra understanding from you and time to talk about what is going on in her life. Her thoughts and feelings may seem strange to her and be hard for her to figure out. At the same time, they seem normal and understandable to you. They are just part of growing up. They may be no surprise to you, considering her circumstances and what she has gone through.
There are two things that should cause you concern. If the thoughts and feelings make the child very uneasy and do not go away in a couple of weeks, counseling likely will help. Also, if they make you very uncomfortable, talking with the child’s caseworker or case manager is wise. If the thoughts and feelings are violent or destructive, it is a sign of anger and rage and is something the child needs help with.
If the child’s thoughts and beliefs are quite strange or very out of the ordinary, professional help is important. These kinds of things might include thinking he has special powers, people are controlling his thoughts, or other supernatural or far-out beliefs. Take time to be sure he is not just pretending or putting you on. Still, strange and uncontrolled thoughts and feelings can be a sign of serious mental illness.
45. They may have extreme fears that keep them from doing things most people the same age do easily.
Fear is a feeling any child will have from time-to-time. Normal fears can be very strong. They can make it hard to handle the give-and-take of his days and weeks. Still, these fears do not keep him from doing the kinds of things most children do. At the rough points, a little understanding from you and a good pep talk are enough to get him to get on with getting on.
Two types of fear are very serious. The first is fear of separating from home and important adults. The second is less specific. It ranges from being afraid of some things and situations to being afraid most of the time.
Fear of separating is called separation anxiety. This is often seen as a fear of going to school but comes up sometimes as a fear of being alone or of being left. Being afraid to go to school is interesting. It looks like the child is afraid of going to school. There may be a good reason to be afraid of something at school. You need to give this possibility a lot of serious thought. Usually, school is not something the child has any good reason to fear. The truth is he does not want to be away from home and fears the separation. If he gets quick professional help, three or four weeks usually get the job done.
For your part, the main thing will be to calmly but firmly make him go to school. You should take him if that is the only way to get him to go.
Other kinds of serious fears are more complicated. Your foster child likely has understandable reasons to be afraid. Bad things really have happened to her. She does not have many ways to stop things from just happening. Not having to live in a world where bad things happen and things just pop-off may be the best thing she has going for her at your home. Helping her understand your normal world is an important part of your work with her.
Once in a while, a child develops extreme and very puzzling fears. What start out as normal fears get so strong they keep her from doing normal kinds of things. Another child may start being afraid of things that are not real. She might fear odd things like becoming invisible, turning into a horse, being killed by rays from outer space, or something else just as weird. These fears are likely signs of mental illness and need checked out.
46. They may have trouble having people close or touching them.
This sign has to be extreme to be important. When it is, the child is mentally ill and needs long-term treatment.
Here is what to know. Usually, your foster child will be comfortable with touching, hugging, and having people close to him. By ten or twelve, he may like less of this type of attention, especially from adults. You will notice a lot of difference from child to child. Also, the foster child you now have may like this kind of attention some days and not others.
Whether he holds back or wants to be touched, ask yourself this. “Does he really want to do this?” Unless you are sure he does, take it very slowly and gently. Stay close but let him control the touching, especially when it is a gesture of affection or just playful. Why? He is the one to decide about touching and who touches him. Abuse and especially sexual abuse may have made physical contact a very sensitive point for him. Just go easy and let him set the rules and limits.
The best approach is to ask, “Would you like a hug?” “May I put my arm around you?” “May I look at the bruise on your leg?” While you are still outside his room and without opening his door, ask, “May I come in to talk a minute?” If he says you cannot, try to respect his wishes.