18. They get up-tight and nervous when someone is angry or upset.
Getting a little up-tight and nervous is normal, especially for a child. Even for adults, the situation brings some uncertainty. The up-tightness is part of getting ready to deal with whatever happens.
If your foster child noticeably reacts like this more than once in a great while, it signals a problem. This is very true if he gets more upset than the person he reacted to. If he has the reaction when the anger had nothing to do with him, it is a bigger problem. When he reacts just because he thinks someone might get angry, the problem is even worse.
What is happening? The child is overreacting. Why? Because he fears something very bad is about to happen, and probably to him. Children behave like they have learned to behave. This is especially true for their emotional reactions. The child is afraid and fears he or someone else is going to get hurt.
Helping your foster child is not complicated but takes a long time. He will learn people get upset and angry at times. This does not mean anyone is going to get hurt or anything bad will happen.
Talk with him about his fears. Say, “You feel upset. I think you are reacting to someone else’s anger and nervousness. It feels like you are afraid that you or someone else might get hurt. It does not work that way here. We all get angry at times. You can get angry too if something upsets you. Getting angry is okay. This is the difference. When we get angry, we talk to each other. Sometimes it gets a little loud; but that is as far as it goes. Here, we do not hurt each other. Watch to see if what I say is true. You may even want to let us know the next time you get angry about something. That is part of how we know what everyone is thinking and feeling.”